Hello everyone. I have been wondering about how to write this post for quite a while. Because I want to wrap things up neatly. Now that Corona has us all in its grip, I realized, that people now can relate. Because I am at a point in my life where everything – and I mean EVERYTHING – is changing. And it’s been a long time in the making .
In 2016 I took on a job that – in the end – nearly killed me. What happend at a place where people are supposed to be there for others and have their best at heart, drove me into a very deep depression, of which I was widely unaware for a long time. I just thought that I was having a ’normal‘ reaction to a heavy bout of cruel mobbing that took down several people who, to this day, are in therapy – some of which, like me, are unable to ever work normally again. It took another two years to realize what had really happened. In between 2016 and now, I was slowly stripped down to the very core of my being and nothing, literally nothing, else. I lost my living and every cent I owned to bad decisions and also vicious people. I lost friends who never really were friends. I even lost the idea of having a family. Because I don’t. I was adopted with the sole purpose to become a maid for life. I lost just about every believe I ever had right down to the very sense of self. In 2018 I realized that ’normal‘ is not ‚healthy‘ for me – after I had strived to become a normal person in a normal society. In 2019 I realized that I knew nothing about myself anymore. I had lost every idea of who I ever thought I was along with the will to live. Ground Zero and absolutely no perspective. Suddenly nothing in my life made sense. In 2020 I realized that I have never, ever, known about my true self because I never knew where I stopped and where others started.
It took a very old root to sprout new life to save me. This happened in the Fall of 2019 and it was nothing I would have expected. But ever since then, I have a perspective and for the first time in years, the falling into the bottomless pit has stopped. And now I know at least a little bit of where the road is taking me. For now it is taking me away from everything I ever considered roots or family right down to my name. I will be saying farewell to all of that as soon as possible. And after that I will reassemble my life. I am leaving just about everyone and everything behind. I have understood that, while I was always good and taking up and leaving and starting new, I have never done it on the core level where I needed it. That’s where I am now.
The fact that I will be changing my name also means that it makes no sense for me to continue this blog, which is under my name. Even before I knew that I would be changing my name, I cancelled subscriptions to the domain and soon the blog will go back to it’s earlier wordpress.com-domain. After this post, I will not publish anything else here. Maybe, some day, I will even press the delete-button completely. That remains to be seen.
I am ‚working‘ on new stuff, new projects and ideas, none of which are now ready to be announced. That would be step 4 or something, and I am about to take step 1 now. I will not announce anything here, I will not connect this blog to whatever new I will be doing. I am looking forward to meeting you, who have been my online community, a second time in life, but I will not force it. And I thank you for your interest, your comments and also your own content. It was a lovely time here on this blog. But there is always a time to say Good-bye.
The reason why I think, Corona gave me a window to do that now is, because around the whole globe, people are experiencing this being stripped down to the essentials of life. Suddenly people are missing each others company even though it’s only been a few days here in Germany. Suddenly a whole world starts to experience existential fears. Suddenly we don’t know how to fill the time when we got only ourselves for company. Suddenly everything we fought against to do – or not do – for the planet, happens as a side effect of some kind of world wide quarantine. Suddenly we realise how very fragile the system that we devout our live’s time to really is and that it won’t hold strong when it comes to the worst. In crisis we reveal our characters – and so do our politicians and the politics they make. If this crisis keeps us on our toes for a few months, we will soon be back to normal and forget about it all quickly. But if this crisis affects us for – as one model that is widely considered being the most probable right now, suggests – two years on and off, we will come out of that with profound new insights and ideas about who we are and how we want to live. While around me the world goes crazy in the face of the still kind of beginning crisis, I am looking into a way brighter future than before. This is a huge chance for the whole planet and every single person to actively decide how life will be after this crisis. What values do we want to fill with life? What is more important – money or humanity? So far the global society ’needed‘ wars to make us wake up from our sleep induced by wealth and realize that we have strayed far too far from our values. We still have wars – and each one is one too many. But who knew that a world wide spread virus could have the same effect.
With a heart full of hope I will leave this blog now, say Good-Bye and Thank you to you all and I guess I’ll see you on the other side!